Worrying.

I spoke too soon about sleep. I'm wide awake and it's 1 AM.

Grandma doesn't seem to be in good shape and that makes me very upset. I've never met such a strong, vivacious, and absolutely brilliant grandmother/woman in my whole life. At 80, she has preserved her sense of humor, which says a lot about her. I hope Tita C. can keep it together. I know she needs me. Age is taking her away from us, like termites eating away the finest oak. If things get worse, I'm definitely going back down to NJ this weekend.

I wish there was more time.

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Enough is enough.

3am mornings in a row. Death to the witching hour.

I think I made up for my lack of sleep in the worst way. I kept on passing out in school at random intervals except when it mattered: dinner time! Such. a. fatty.

I suppose make-up sleep was overdue because during IT class, a photo of a tree/sky reflection started to look like faces every time I'd open my eyes after dozing off. It reminded me of my bathroom walls back home.

Ah, home. What I would give to sleep soundly.

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3AM again.

I hope these 3AM mornings aren't becoming a habit. Sleep, would you be so kind to let me dream? I prefer silence, instead of this humming quiet of thoughts creeping from shadowy corners. Come to think of it, I've been listening to music constantly.

It's only 7am and the day is already half-way over! That's what I get for keeping up with the timezones. Good evening, Manila. It's time to chase some frost.

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5AM sadness. blah-ness.

I'm up so early today. I don't know if it's because I'm used to it or if sleep is depriving me of its escape. The day has begun. More time to think. More time for torture.

Right now, everything is so hazy. I woke up in fog when I broke away. This path, it's leading me elsewhere, to so many other options which would never have sprung up if I remained. I'm afraid of where it will lead.

Why do I always need to 'wait and see.' What is with waiting, with time, with timing. We are swallowed up by minutes and we think we 'manage' time.

What is there to see. To be honest? So much. Maybe we can see together. Maybe we see different things now. Or have we always seen apart? Maybe we see things that aren't there. So, are we holding on for a future? Holding on for the glories of the past? Or for a future like the past? Both don't exist anymore though, what now?

What is a 'relationship'? People relating. People re-lating. A back-and-forth gesture. Like a lonesome wave. Hello, goodbye. See you later.

And feelings are relative.
What are you feeling?
I am relative-ly alone. Apart from you. A part of you.

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Sleep comes roughly these days, almost instantaneous actually, like a sharp blow on the head. The pain comes after the dreamlessness. A heavy weight stabilizes my heart that continues to beat against me. And exhausted as I am, I still wake up loving you.

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