For L.

I guess sometimes having your laptop in front of you isn't the best time to think and write. For me, it happens most in the car or on a train, something with it's own movement and I'm just there for the ride. Life fades into day and then into night--into sleepless tunnels and tunnels of shadow. I can't help but watch everybody move with it while I'm standing still...like I'm part of the world revolving around itself and I am carrying their weight on my palms.

It's terribly lonely watching people. Light flashes and for an instant I see clearly. Then it's darkness again. I can barely make out the shapes. Is it a yes or is it a no. I grip my camera tightly. It's all I know right now.

It seems like I'm getting more sleep these days but only because I'm tired and I don't want to acknowledge my thoughts constantly. I'm trying my best to keep things on a tight leash lest my thoughts and sanity run away from me. There's so much to look forward to in school and that's probably why these thoughts were born. Don't get me wrong. If you came up to me and asked me if I was happy, I'd truthfully answer 'yes.' And if you asked me, are you content? To be perfectly honest, (I regret to say this) I feel like I am. Not content with my work but content to do this for the rest of my life. Sadness comes and goes. I think the more appropriate term would be 'nostalgia.' I am nostalgic for what was and for what will never be.

What have I been thinking that I'd rather not? The future, I suppose. It's stressful--trying to orchestrate this great love story that needs to survive a mere 10 months. Nothing is happening to "us" but everything is happening to us. I don't want to fall into the widening cracks, into the spaces between words and sighs. My heart seems like it's in constant disrepair, forcing itself open to love something other than him.

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5AM sadness. blah-ness.

I'm up so early today. I don't know if it's because I'm used to it or if sleep is depriving me of its escape. The day has begun. More time to think. More time for torture.

Right now, everything is so hazy. I woke up in fog when I broke away. This path, it's leading me elsewhere, to so many other options which would never have sprung up if I remained. I'm afraid of where it will lead.

Why do I always need to 'wait and see.' What is with waiting, with time, with timing. We are swallowed up by minutes and we think we 'manage' time.

What is there to see. To be honest? So much. Maybe we can see together. Maybe we see different things now. Or have we always seen apart? Maybe we see things that aren't there. So, are we holding on for a future? Holding on for the glories of the past? Or for a future like the past? Both don't exist anymore though, what now?

What is a 'relationship'? People relating. People re-lating. A back-and-forth gesture. Like a lonesome wave. Hello, goodbye. See you later.

And feelings are relative.
What are you feeling?
I am relative-ly alone. Apart from you. A part of you.

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If only we could collapse inward--
crushing this loneliness
under a debris
of bones.
Maybe we can forget
such a structure existed
and discover ourselves whole
once more--
contained in a heartbeat.

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Solitude

Tonight, the sky is inky black, murky. False hopes are built upon vague promises like wishes whispered to invisible stars, "We will meet again." There are no witnesses tonight. A couple goes to bed, hopeful to dream of Kitsch. The woman tosses in her sleep searching for a lost heartbeat. The man curls up into a fetal position, yearning for warmth. An arm reaches over to the other side--absence, the presence of space.

They find no comfort in a spacious bed shared with death.

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