This is for you mom and dad!

I absolutely love my parents. Today I found out that I'll be part of my school's exhibit "My Sight" this weekend.

"My Sight" Gallery

This is really exciting news for me...only because it's something "legit" that I could share with my folks. I'm very lucky to be part of such a supportive family, especially since I'm probably the kid who's changed her mind a lot. To me, chances for recognition give me a sense of pride that I can share with them, the people who made me, me.

On that note, my dad's really sweet. He's been replying to my posts each time I publish something in this blog and it gives me a kind of strength to suck it up and just work hard. My mom continues to pray for me and I seriously believe that it's because of her that I am so protected and blessed. I can't ask for more. A few more days to go... and I'll be home. Yesss.

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Commercial Studio

I don't really feel like posting these because I don't think they have anything about me in them. This is probably why I'm not too happy shooting in the commercial studio. I don't feel like there is enough time or room for me to really find things that I want to shoot. (Plus, I really don't like driving to places that I'm unfamiliar with. It doesn't mean I don't like exploring though! I just try to escape the dirty work as much as I possibly can.) I'm looking forward to going home. Sometimes I really envy some of my friends who can just go home and pick up an interesting thing to shoot without spending any money. Hopefully during the Christmas break I'll be able to gather some personal objects that would give my products more character.

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Portrait Studio

This class was the day after I spoke to Tony D. Talking to him helped me change my whole attitude towards my current work. I AM here to learn after all and failing or mediocrity isn't as bad as it seems at this point. But this doesn't mean that I don't mind being mediocre or making mistakes, because I do. And it also doesn't mean that I don't still struggle with my self-confidence, because I do, do, do = constantly. But even if I do, the difference now is, I know that I should just keep on taking pictures anyway. It's the only way to get better, right?

Chris

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On Location

These were taken yesterday and it was my 3rd attempt to practice Hiesler's and DT's last class. I think I'm improving but I'm not quite there. I'm still happy though. It's better than being unproductive and because of it, my friends and I have explored 3 very different locations in the past two days.

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Three Trees

It's winter now and their leaves have fallen. Adorned with only drops of water catching what was left of the sun, their frailty catches my attention. It makes me wonder how this building would look in the summer, to have living trees surviving the decrepitude of man-made walls and towering lumber. How did their seeds find themselves beneath wooden floors, just in time for a ruined building to give away in order for them to take root? How interesting to find these three brothers planted in such a straight line, almost like a death sentence. These trees aren't tall and somehow I suspect they are older than they seem. It would be interesting to come back and see how they are in the spring and how they flourish in the summer. The light would be different then. Not so lonely. But right now, in this cold dark afternoon, their naked resilience is strangely beautiful.

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Abandoned.

Like any normal student, we found ourselves "seeking shelter" in an abandoned building. Many of my shots were meant to emphasize the snow. It was pitch black in there except for the areas where the roof gave away. I only took a few pictures of Claudia in one of the areas there before my bravery faltered and forced me to hurry back to the car.





An S.



Plant Surviving Weight

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First Snow2

Trees through the Car Window

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First Snow

Photo by Claudia Ruff

I haven't been writing lately. In the past two weeks, somehow it felt like I didn't deserve to say anything. I am ashamed to say that I have been embarrassed about my work and I've been questioning my personal perspective. It isn't because I think I'm doing something incredibly different but somehow what I do does not translate well enough for people to respond to. I saw my first snowfall today and although it was cold, it somehow warmed this creeping numbness in my mind. It was one of those rare moments where I wasn't challenging myself to see something in a new way but I was actually seeing something that I've never seen before. Sometimes this is all it takes to be invigorated again. Incredibly I couldn't stop shooting. I took pictures that might have been ordinary to someone who's seen snow all his life, but to me, everything was a wow moment. It wasn't a matter of searching for special things to shoot because snow was everywhere--on the ground, on the leaves, on the roofs...everywhere. It was glorious to add another facet to my experience of water: to be lightness and weight at the same time with no struggle between the two. Snowflakes. I didn't know it could fall so softly. It's form lends itself to falling. I could barely feel it on my face when this picture was taken.

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On Location Shoot

Watching Hiesler and DT teach was a real treat. We were challenged to create alternate realities by using 1 strobe to allow us to expose for the subject and to be able to stop down and underexpose the background. Shaun, Dakota and I teamed up and headed for the corn fields.



The sky was so bright that it made Dakota cry. I caught a tear falling but it's only really visible when you zoom in.

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Defying gravity for a moment

December 2, 2009

It was thrilling to fly today and see things from that perspective where everything transformed itself into shapes. Buildings surrendered their scale to me, although I didn't feel much taller than I actually was. I was just farther from the world. But from up there, it gave me a sense of things, how minuscule my problems were and how ordinary. In those 15 minutes, worrying was farthest from my mind while it was being muffled by the whirring of an engine suspended in air.

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from Enough by Eric Gamalinda

Someday I will send everyone a card
with nothing on it, only
the calligraphy
of a river, and in the back
with invisible ink I will say:
Forgive my happiness
I have betrayed you all.

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And when at last I find you, your song would fill the air

Blackbird I Will - The Swingle Singers

(song courtesy of J.H.! Thanks man)

Chatted with you yesterday... wedding march?? nudge nudge. hahahaha!!!

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Thanksgiving

I usually catch myself apologizing for things that aren't 'wrong.' Sometimes it's a lack of gumption, a missing thread of empowerment. Sometimes it's simply what it is, a terrible habit.

"I'm sorry for living."
"I'm sorry for being unclear."
"I'm sorry for not saying."
"I'm sorry for not being brave."
"I'm sorry for being un-able to [insert word]."

Whatever it is, my apologies for not being fair to You.

Today IS thanksgiving, however. And the only apology I can think of is...I'm sorry for not being able to appreciate these things all the time.

Thank you for those who know when to continue hoping and for those who know when it's time to give up. It's still a continuous struggle for me to decide when enough is enough.

Thank you for those who remember the past so clearly and for the few who can forget. Fiction and history are not too different, I think. Memory gaps make stories more interesting. What happened again? You tell me. I am grateful to have the strength to change and re-member myself...if only to survive and live with the person I've become.

Thank you for those who are brave, I want to be like you. Thank you for the things that I fear, for allowing me the strength to surpass the odds when I need to. It always surprises me, to rediscover these hidden forces of pure will.

I am grateful for my family who have shown me how it is to love with no limits. But also for strangers who have been kind to me for no reason. I hope to figure out how I can give back in my own way to anyone who needs me. There's a place for every sort of kindness and for every talent, I suppose.

Thank you for the stars, for slowly passing clouds, and for the darkest of nights.
Thoughts are clearest to me then. Although I would appreciate it if I could get more sleep.

Thank you for the rain, for the sea, and for every wave that carries me back home. We witness destruction and rebirth over and over again. And yet we return to what draws us: gravity.

Most especially, I am grateful for the little things, the little things that redeem their scale in the long run.

All of this, for your greater glory. [Amen.]

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Final Promo Piece

Part of the reason why I chose Hallmark was because of it's business track. Right now, we've just finished submitting a pseudo-draft of a self-promotion card that we can hand out to potential clients. I ended up using an old image prior to Hallmark, only because it showed the kind of work that I want to do in the future. That seems kind of sad in a way--What am I waiting for? Sometimes it's so frustrating to deal with myself and these doubts that continue to poison my mind.

Art is by Sasha Descartes

Here it is:

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