Movie Night!

Aww maaan. It was depressing for me for some reason! A couple of parts were funny but most of it was just kind of almost there. It was so strange.

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Worrying.

I spoke too soon about sleep. I'm wide awake and it's 1 AM.

Grandma doesn't seem to be in good shape and that makes me very upset. I've never met such a strong, vivacious, and absolutely brilliant grandmother/woman in my whole life. At 80, she has preserved her sense of humor, which says a lot about her. I hope Tita C. can keep it together. I know she needs me. Age is taking her away from us, like termites eating away the finest oak. If things get worse, I'm definitely going back down to NJ this weekend.

I wish there was more time.

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For L.

I guess sometimes having your laptop in front of you isn't the best time to think and write. For me, it happens most in the car or on a train, something with it's own movement and I'm just there for the ride. Life fades into day and then into night--into sleepless tunnels and tunnels of shadow. I can't help but watch everybody move with it while I'm standing still...like I'm part of the world revolving around itself and I am carrying their weight on my palms.

It's terribly lonely watching people. Light flashes and for an instant I see clearly. Then it's darkness again. I can barely make out the shapes. Is it a yes or is it a no. I grip my camera tightly. It's all I know right now.

It seems like I'm getting more sleep these days but only because I'm tired and I don't want to acknowledge my thoughts constantly. I'm trying my best to keep things on a tight leash lest my thoughts and sanity run away from me. There's so much to look forward to in school and that's probably why these thoughts were born. Don't get me wrong. If you came up to me and asked me if I was happy, I'd truthfully answer 'yes.' And if you asked me, are you content? To be perfectly honest, (I regret to say this) I feel like I am. Not content with my work but content to do this for the rest of my life. Sadness comes and goes. I think the more appropriate term would be 'nostalgia.' I am nostalgic for what was and for what will never be.

What have I been thinking that I'd rather not? The future, I suppose. It's stressful--trying to orchestrate this great love story that needs to survive a mere 10 months. Nothing is happening to "us" but everything is happening to us. I don't want to fall into the widening cracks, into the spaces between words and sighs. My heart seems like it's in constant disrepair, forcing itself open to love something other than him.

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Useful wings.

There are so many other paths to self-discovery but I had to do it by leaving. I had to leave to live. From betrayal to betrayal, I choose to be true to myself.

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It's all about Soul.

If rain had a sound, it would sound like them.

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New York, I love you more.

My heart belongs to this city where imagination is kept alive on the streets.

Outside is the fire escape. We need escapes for everything, not only fire. Betrayal is constantly at our heels.

On land, these are your limitations, Sailor. Where is your boat? Let's leave first thing tomorrow and float for a century.

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New York, I love you.

This is C. Life draws itself around her and beyond her. But she doesn't know it yet. At 18, she's almost 25. She bridges our age gap with art and laughter. I think her laugh is one of the best that I've ever heard. 

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Pictures of The Floating World

A world where our simple lives

Bleed into simple lines,

Which knows

Neither sadness nor joy,

Neither denial nor fulfillment,

But knows beauty—

Knows only beauty.

-Reul S. De Vera






This is David Turner. Check out his work! It's because of people like him that people like me strive to become better every day.

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Rilke on Love and and Other Difficulties

If only we arrange our life according
to that principle which counsels us
that we must always hold to the difficult,
then that which now still seems to us
the most alien become what we
most trust and find most faithful.

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Spaces are Necessary.

It only takes one
hesitant step.
A simple movement.

I've decided.
I am "me." 

Beyond this point,
"We" no longer exist.

And I am alone.
And you aren't following. 

How does it feel to
dissolve into absence,
After years of re-membering
our ways to fit the gaps?

Memory is devoured by time.
And momentary edges remind us of what we've lost.

Music endures.
Sometime we tell stories.
For the past holds fondness for ignorance:
(I miss you, terribly.)
"It was always better then."
"This is our song!"
  
Although stretched taught,
Strings do not break away.
For it is in returning,
That leaving meant something.

A lone guitar wails for a moment,
have I already lost you?
Caressed by callused fingers,
We are used to playing this game of departure and return:
Hush, I am here.
Strings merge and separate
into a melody, a duet breaks a century of silence.

[There is constant space between us.
There has always been space between us.]

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This is Where We Live by Pablo Neruda

I am grateful to the earth

for having waited

for me

when the sky and sea came together

like two lips touching;

for that's no small thing, no?--

to have lived

through one solitude to arrive at another,

to feel oneself many things and recover wholeness.

I love all the things there are,

and of all fires

love is the only inexhaustible one;

and that's why I go from life to life,

from guitar to guitar,

and I have no fear

of light or of shade,

and almost being earth myself,

I spoon away at infinity.

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Oct. 22, 2009 Evening playlist

Pick of the night: Do You Realize??- The Flaming Lips

One Chance- Modest Mouse
Electric Feel- MGMT
On Call- Kings of Leon
I will Follow Your into the Dark- Death Cab
Finer Feelings- Spoon
Read My Mind- The Killers
Australia- The Shins
Closer- Kings of Leon
The Ocean Breathes Salty- Modest Mouse



Do You Realize? that you have the most beautiful face
Do You Realize? we're floating in space
Do You Realize? that happiness makes you cry
Do You Realize? that everyone you know someday will die

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes, let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Do You Realize? that everyone you know
Someday will die.

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Leaves in a puddle.

 

This is where C and I ended up the other day. I found an inky puddle on the road with fall leaves drowning in it.

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φῶς (phos) "light" and γραφή (graphê)

Drawing with Light

This is our fate:
to see things that aren't there.
The next movement is an anticipated
syncopation,
breaking into gesture.
A sigh, a head lays on a shoulder.

This is our fate:
To forget what we saw,
For color cannot be remembered.
Light falls differently on every eye absorbing a moment.

This is our fate:
To know the difference.
For to compose, composite, de-compose,
is to choose a story.
(They will never know.)
They should know,
that reality does not satisfy the dreamer.

This is our fate:
To blink, to lose an instant to time.
For clicking opens the shutter long enough,
only to close as quickly.
Eyes water and to dream is a forgivable luxury.

This is our fate:
to step away from ourselves.
For distance allows us to focus, unfocus,
until the decisive moment.

This is our fate:
To record history with silence.
For every print trades its lightness for gravity.
A mimicry of stories unfold in front of the viewers gaze.

(to be continued within the course of the year. probably. hopefully!)
This just might evolve into one of my pet projects. I'm thinking of taking photos to match each stanza and perhaps put together a small book.

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